On October 16, 2011 – a day I will not soon forget, I received an almost overwhelming amount of cries for help. One included a message from a friend – scared, worried, almost beside herself on how she could help her 18 year old daughter. Kim, did what I would hope every mother would do – try with all her might to her help daughter, research different ways and approaches to help her, be there for her unconditionally and be willing to stand by her side no matter what.
On May 17, 2012 Paige bravely shared her story on her Facebook page. Her Mom, proudly shared it with her friends. The outpouring of love and support was beautiful to watch. After receiving permission from Paige – here is her story.
I don’t know If there is any point in writing this note, or if someone who needs help will end up reading it but I want to share my personal story and let anyone know that there is a way up, no matter what. If you need help ask. There is always someone who is there.
My name is Paige. I am a bubbly, beautiful, interesting eighteen year old. I am an artist, a singer, a musician, a friend, a daughter, a sister and much more. As of today I am also happy:)
Since I was a little girl I have always had anxiety. It is a disorder. It runs in my family and alot of the women have it. Along with a kinda fucked up child hood that doesnt make a good mix. Two years ago I began to feel really low. I stopped caring about my life. I had the belief that I was a disgusting, fat, ugly peice of shit who sucked at everything and could never do anything right. I literally had zero self asteem. I hated the mirror because that meant I had to look at myself and would get mad when people would compliment me because they were lying and it was out of pity. My energy level quickly ran out, I literally could not get out of bed sometimes. I cried everyday, and could no longer remember what true joy felt like. You know that little spark of excitment and when your heart feels warm and full of love? I could no longer feel it. I woke up every day for my family and friends.
For a year I did alot of counseling and work on loving myself, a paid therapist, group counseling, individual with both the lacombe and Reddeer mental health centers, and eventually I was put of the anti depresent/anxiety pills, Celexa. I only agreed to go on pills because for the first time I had thought about killing myself. I did not want to die. I dont believe anyone who is depressed wants to die. When you cant feel anything but sorrow, hopelessness and physical exhaustion its very hard to keep going.
I was on for celexa for about three months but it was not working, the doctors fix? Up the dossage! I quickly went from taking twenty milligrams a day, to thirty and then fourty. My body and mind didn’t agree with that. It completely screwed me up. One night I was crying laying alone on my bed. I had taken my medication then went to bed. I was crying and scared and mad and done with everything. I went into my closet and grabbed a belt. I just wanted to see what it felt like.. If I could actually do it. I tied the belt around my closet pole and wrapped it around my neck. I wasn’t thinking about anything the entire time. I dropped my legs from underneith myself and let myself hang. I could feel my veins enlarging and my air supply was cut off. I hung there for a while. I dont know what stopped me. My family and friends and the fact that I wanted to live, I just couldnt. After that I told Katie what I had done and she called my mom. I think that was the night that my mom realised how serious it was. I had never told her that I was suicidal because for some reason it was embarrassing to me and I didn’t want to upset her. After that night I was taken off Celexa.
For a couple months I stayed off anti depresents until I had another big break down. Mom took me to emergency and I was put on Prozac. The new anti depresent actually improved how I felt a bit and didn’t have the effects on me that Celexa did. Such as nausea and being numb to any emotion or feelings. All of this happened from about september to december. In January 2012 I went to a retreat called the Hoffman Process. It is an eight day intensive therapy treatment that works on the first twelve years of a persons life. I didnt know if this applied to me at all or if It would work, but my mom had put alot of money and research into it and hadnt found one bad thing out. Frankly I didnt give a shit anymore and was willing to try anything. I believe it was the thirteenth when I left. I left a chronicly depressed person. I had no love for myself, knew no joy and was manipulative towards others. I had crippling anxiety. Even though I didnt know what to expect I had a strange sense of hope.
Eight days later my parents picked me up in Caroline at the retreat. I was completely anxiety and depression free, and for the first time I loved myself and knew I was hot as hell! That was truley the best gift I have ever given. I am beyond grateful for that experiance. My life has completely changed. Today, I have flaws. I do not claim to be perfect or happy all the time, but I have healthy emotions and feelings:) I do have daily practices I do to stay in such a wonderful state and keep moving forward. It is hard work! I look within myself to find happiness and have inner peace and love. Unfortunatley I will not share what I went through at the Hoffman process. It is an experiance that each person has to experiance themselves. It saved my life.
Each person is unique in their own experience.
Each person is unique in what works and doesn’t work for them.
Each person is unique in how they move onwards and upwards.
Thank you to Paige for bravely sharing her truth in hopes of inspiring others to realize they are not alone, they are brave and they will get through this.
