Removing the Mask – finding Gratitude in Pain

“When we surrender we are in alignment with Spirit. Self-surrender shows up as confidence in our fundamental goodness, our core essence of being, which makes us open and receptive to inner guidance from our natural wisdom.” ~ Michael Bernard Beckwith ~

Too often a smiling mask is placed over a deep pain and longing.

What if you allowed yourself to take off the mask and be real with how you are feeling right now in this moment?

What if you sat with the pain trusting that the only way to get past it is to go through it?

One of my favorite writers and souls on this earth is Pema Chodron a humble, down to earth woman whose writings have brought great peace to my life, her book The Wisdom of No Escape was given to me by a friend in Kelowna many years ago and beautifully explores moving through pain without escape.

What happens when you take off the mask?

Allowing, Awareness, Acceptance and the courage to take steps, in some cases baby steps, to move through the pain.  On the other side is freedom, a deeper sense of knowing, strength in vulnerability and a new found wisdom that learning through pain will bring.

Taking off my Mask!

This past two months has been a deep place of pain for me, falling into a major depression and grief.  However this morning, as I was chatting on the phone with my dear friend Farhana Dhalla, when Farhana asked “Lee, how are you?”  I replied, “You know what honey, I’m great! I am grateful for the pain.”  we both stopped in that very moment and this blog posts was inspired.

The masks I wore were many

• I’m not grieving
• SimpLee Serene is “successful”
• I don’t have a problem with alcohol
• I don’t belong
• Everything is okay

Once the mask came off by giving myself Grace and Space, by unplugging, journalling, reading and writing I realized these masks were not serving me.  I also read back on all my blog posts since 2007 and was slapped across the face with the fact each year has been a continuing cycle of Play, Pause, Rewind… and it was time for me to hit the STOP button and change some patterns!

• I am grieving, and it’s okay, I lost a dear and cherished friend just 5 months ago and I will grieve at my pace not how others expect or suggest I do.
• From a financial standpoint SimpLee Serene is not successful, yet in sharing inspiration and hope it is, time to change it up a bit.  I successfully got hired for a new full-time job with the non-profit soccer club my daughter plays for, and I will continue with SimpLee Serene as a Blog, sharing my written and spoken word.
• This was the BIGGEST mask, realizing the 1 to 2 bottles of red wine I was drinking almost every night was severely impacting my mental health, and creating a wall between my family and was a coping mechanism for me to numb the pain.
• One of my HUGE AHA’s was with my incredible counsellor Sharon Stopforth at Serenity Now Wellness Centre, when I realized through the phenomenal power of Inegrative Body Psychotherapy that I had a huge wall up around receiving, I knew I was challenged in this department, however I didn’t realize how deeply.  Together we anchored the word “Belong” as this is how I feel when I allow a friend or loved one to help me through tough times.  And then, I reached out without sharing it with the world (my blog) intimately with my nearest and dearest friends.
• Everything is OKAY – NOT!!!!  Let’s see: losing my best friend, seeing myself as a failure with my business, hearing my daughters say “Mommy are you drunk again?”, watching as my loving husband worried about me deeply.  Everything was NOT okay.

Where am I at now?

Slowly bringing myself back to reconnect in the online world, much calmer, 25 days of no alcohol (well actually I had a glass with my hubby to celebrate my birthday when we went to see Michael Buble ) our acreage finally sold, so we are busy organizing, sorting and getting ready for the garage sale on the weekend, our new house will be ready mid November, and I have released the outcome for the house we are renting as it’s on the market (the landlord/realtor is going to do what he can to get a November 30 possession).  I am excited to begin my new job, and for how the universe is aligning everything so beautifully.  Even though it’s a hectic 3 months with packing, moving etc, I feel a deep sense of knowing that all will be good.  I am also VERY excited and quite honestly relieved that my book A Quiet Strong Voice is completed, I have decided to blog the book beginning August 22nd, this brings a great sense of completion for me, as it has taken 4 years to write.

So YES, I am grateful for the pain in my life, with it comes more in depth knowing, another opportunity to celebrate my resilience and courage, to look back and say I DID IT!
I am grateful for the many blessings, a beautiful family, cherished friends and the gift of life.

As I spoke with a friend who suddenly lost her father this week, even through her deep sadness and loss, she found something to be grateful for “Lee, it’s so amazing to see how many people are coming to offer help and support, and to see our family come together to take care of the funeral arrangements.” she shaid.

May you find the gratitude in any pain or challenge you are experiencing, a mantra I have lived by for the most part of my life is “There is ALWAYS a positive to a negative, sometimes it just takes a little longer to see it.”

Funnily enough I just looked at the post date August 11, 2011 at 21:11 (11:11 WOW), my conversation with Farhana I stopped her as I saw it was 11.11am we had a reflection moment and giggled at synchronicity and the universe.

Much love & hugs