This morning I finished Courage: Overcoming Fear and Igniting Self-Confidence by Debbie Ford. Every other page is marked and highlighted, I could relate to pretty much everything so courageously written by Debbie. I saw myself in many of the stories of others that she shared. There were gifts at every turn, the exercises at the end of each chapter have proven to help me through some speed bumps, keep me inspired, and let me divulge into a deeper understanding of myself.
“When we get serious about not allowing familiar excuses and obstacles to keep us from living our highest purpose, settling for fear and low self-confidence is no longer an option.”
For far too long I have used excuses and perceived obstacles to keep me from self-confidence. Yes there have been moments where I have felt so alive, connected and on purpose. Honestly though, they were fleeting and old habits and patterns would eventually show up. I am beginning to see where these patterns are occurring, and the route cause of them – some as early as childhood. As I journeyed further into the book, a mantra kept me stuck on a page – reading it over and over again. When I first read it I could feel discomfort, resentment, and even anger – so I kept reading it and journalled about the feelings that were conjuring up.
I recognized that I didn’t feel comfortable with the words hot and sexy. Who am I to be hot and sexy? I’m 41 years of age, Mom to two young daughters – what could possibly be so hot and sexy about me? As I journalled about this I recalled a time in my late teens, at a nightclub in Sydney, Australia. My drink was laced with cocaine by the owner of the nightclub. All he kept saying to me that night was – “you are soooo hot and sexy.” It surprised me that this incident came up, yet it did. As I journalled I felt deep hatred and anger at him, shame at myself for allowing that to happen, and dirty. I wrote a letter to him, it was angry, yet as the pen met paper I felt a softening in my heart, a release and even forgiveness. This morning when I read the mantra again I could own it, connect with it and stay connected on the path of building my reservoir with so much self-love.
As you read the above mantra, what comes up for you? Can you own it? Do you feel it in your soul?