Last night my eldest daughter was distraught that she didn’t do well on a quiz. I saw something beyond the quiz, I saw her fear of failure, fear of judgment and a need to please.
In a world where kids are taught to strive for 100% is this really what we should be teaching them – PERFECTION!
On the dishwasher she left this note last night. Was she doing this to make up for her perceived failure? Did she do this to please Mom and Dad? Or did she do this to be helpful? I will ask her these questions this afternoon when she gets back from school.
This morning I thought about how many traits my daughter has picked up from my years as a perfectionist and people pleaser. She asked me to help her review some spelling words and their definitions. She was reading the definitions back from memory.
“Do you understand what that means, can you give me an example?” I would ask her when a response was an exact replica.
So once again, she was looking for the perceived “perfect” response.
This morning I went in to speak with the teacher to let her know how distraught my daughter was. As always, I am impressed by the response from her.
“I encourage the children not to focus on the mark, instead, on what they have learned.” the teacher said.
Refreshing…
I know for myself, in the past, and even at times in the present, I won’t attempt or follow through on something if I can’t do it perfectly. It must look this way… I must act that way… I must do it this way? All questions that point to perfection and people pleasing. I recall similar distraught outbursts or imbursts (decided to just make that word up – an outburst kept within.)
I used to be extremely obsessive compulsive when it came to the tidiness of our home. To the point, that if I saw a speck on the ground I would vacuum the entire house so it would look perfect. Thankfully those perfectionist traits have relaxed somewhat, and I am a much more calm person because of it.
I also wouldn’t leave the house without make up perfectly done and clothes perfectly matching. Which brings up my youngest daughter. At times as she gets ready to go out, I cringe at the outfit she has chosen: colors that clash, patterns that don’t go… And then my eldest daughter will say something to her about her outfit and I see the pain and hurt in her eyes. She is imperfectly perfect and beautiful just the way she is by expressing her unique and colorful self through her dress sense. So at times, I swallow the need to say something – unless she asks – and let her be her beautiful self.
I love this image, when I first saw this photo my honest thoughts were “how on earth could someone do this to this poor dog, it looks ugly.” As I often do, I paused and looked long and hard at the photo, reflecting, and attempting to put myself in the other persons (in this case dog) position. I looked into the eyes of the dog. ”I wonder what he is thinking? Is he cold? Is he loved? What does he do for fun?” and then I could imagine him running around causing chaos, as little dogs do and a smile of joy came across my face – how cute. So there I went from ugly – to cute. Why? I chose to look past my perception. Just because he doesn’t fit into my image of a good-looking dog – which to me is a yellow lab (yes I’m bias my loyal Riggs is my 7 year old lab) does not mean he is not perfect in his own way.
What perfectionism do you need to let go of?
Are you always striving for 100%?
What if today – your perfect day – was an imperfectly perfect 80%?
Have a wonderful day.
Hugs & love
