A dark veil covers my heart & soul.

Negative thoughts fill almost every moment. Self-doubt and an all encompassing fear fill almost each waking breath, a deep sadness envelopes me. Anxiety comes up at each turn, creating panic & stress. A “How are you?” sends me into tears as I can’t hide or lie about the pain I’m feeling inside, the pain that has been consuming me.

A pain that says I don’t matter, I’m not worthy and no one cares. The stories spin like a web of lies in my mind, filling my heart & soul with doubt and questioning.

What keeps me going is the stories, the courage of others inspired to share their stories of darkness and stepping into the light. People I am blessed to know, some maybe considered strangers, yet to me are close to my heart and soul because they understand the darkness, the pain and the inexplicable sadness. Kim, Leanne, Shelley, Paige, Ana, Elyssa you all have given me so many gifts for that I thank you deeply.

Blogging everyday for Mental Health Awareness Month, has it served my mental health or has it compromised it? No conversation, no comments, a passing glance at best is how I feel.

Why? Why bother if no one is listening? Why bother if no one cares? Why bother if people are so fearful of sharing because they may be judged? Why bother?

Why? Because one persons life matters! One persons life was saved! One person said Thank You, you inspired me to choose life!

So even if my efforts to blog everyday aren’t read by thousands, all that matters is that at least one precious life was saved.

Then a voice pops in, the voice of another… “You’re just doing this to promote your book!!!”

What would you say if I told you I’ve gone into deep debt to publish this book! What would you say if I told you I don’t make any money on any book donated? What would you say if I told you publishing this book saved one persons life?

I don’t want best seller status, all I want is for someone, anyone to feel that they are not alone, that there is hope and to be part of the solution for suicide prevention.

I am a unique soul, a woman committed to being the change I wish to see in the world! And that is that mental illness is as openly accepted as cancer, and that people don’t feel ostrosized because of their illness.

This is my truth in this moment. An outpouring of vulnerability & honesty. I will be judged, I will be told ” you should not have shared that!”. Yet here I am, exposed, ME in this moment! A realization that for my own mental health I need to take a break from the noise, from the desire and passion to help others, so I can help myself.

There is NOTHING wrong with speaking your truth.

As those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter!

I am not alone. I have a family who loves me, friends who care and a support system that will be there for me no matter what!

So with this I log off, to spend a weekend with my family, to escape the nagging “to dos”, the stories I’m making up in my head and just be. Maybe I will miss a day or two of my commitment to blog every day for Mental Health Awareness Month, maybe I won’t!

Always take care of your mental health first! It’s not selfish! It’s a must to take care of you!

I am putting a stake in the ground, that I Matter to me.
How about you? You Matter!

Hugs & Love
Lee xoxoxoxox