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I lost a loved one to suicide – WHY?

December 16, 2011 By Lee Leave a Comment

Once again people choosing death by suicide have filled the media streams this past week, especially this past two days.

Reality is – suicide is happening!

For me personally I choose to find some sort of positive way to address this: through education, awareness and brave stories.

People who choose death by suicide aren’t weak, they aren’t awful human beings, they aren’t pathetic and useless.  It doesn’t matter who they are, what they do, or how they have been they were in unbearable pain and saw no other way out.

On October 31, 2004 I wanted my life to end, it wasn’t about selfishness, weakness, lack of character! I didn’t know what to do, and felt there was no way out!

Why? – desperation, isolation, fear of the unbearable pain continuing forever, feeling that I was a burden on my family – they were better off without me,  and feeling that everything was hopeless.  I was a shadow of my former self, really not Lee at all – looking in my eyes on that day I saw nothing – lifelessness, emptiness and no hope.

Today I read an article at Huffington Post from Stephanie Madoff Mack: I still don’t understand Mark’s suicide.  I was saddened by some of the comments.  It doesn’t matter what you believe around the pain her father-in-law Bernard Madoff caused.  What matters is a Mom lost her lover, and the father to her children to suicide one year ago.  Bravo Stephanie for your bravery and using your voice.

I want to bring light to one of my best friends Natasja Fischer.  Natasja lost her Dad to suicide 27 years ago.  To this day it still effects her, yet she has stepped through her pain on many levels, and shares it in this beautiful poem she shared on the 27 year anniversary of his suicide.

27 Years

On November 19, 1984 my father made a decision that would be his last,
to leave this physical plane and take his life.

I’m not sure how long it took him to prepare.

He filled the room with memoirs of his life that proved his existence:
Valentines hearts once filled with chocolates
would mark the number of Valentines Days past

He surrounded himself with cards and framed pictures of his family.

I’m not sure if he felt the energy from those items
if he felt the love from those cards and pictures
or if it only magnified his darkness and intensified his pain.

He did not leave a note and he did not say goodbye.

I have a handful of pictures and items that were his
fragments that proved he was indeed real
that he was once here
that he wasn’t just a part of my overactive imagination

Scattered memories assist me to put the pieces of his life together.
Conversations shared with me by others.

A few weekends spent with him our last fall
I remember when he’d talk about leaving
I would be afraid to close my eyes or leave his side
not sure if he’d be there in the morning.

This summer a very brave and kind woman shared a memory with me,
my father had come into her place of work and sat down with her and her husband.
He was upset and crying, he told her that he f’ed up.

That he failed his family by not putting the first.
He lamented the absence of them no longer in the family home
The next day when she heard the news (that he was gone)
she realized that they were probably the last people that he spoke to.

I’m not sure what his last thoughts were
or his last words, or if he prayed

I’m not sure what the last song he heard
blaring on the stereo from the other end of the house

I’m not sure what time it was or how long it took him
to pull the trigger

This year for some strange and obscure reason his absence is magnified
and I miss him more than ever.

The only logical reason I can give it is that next month,

when I turn 38 I will have out lived him.

I do know that in a long time from now when we meet again
he will be able to answer all of my questions
and will be able to put the pieces of his life and decisions (especially the last one) together.

Until then I can only send him love and forgiveness.

~Natasja Fischer

November 20, 2011

 

You may never know the WHY?  
Allow yourself to let go of the why and focus on the now!
Allow yourself to grieve, to feel angry, abandoned, and at a loss.
Allow yourself the opportunity to heal – with grace, compassion and forgiveness.

If you are reading this and are contemplating suicide, please STOP and think for a moment and read HERE There is hope, you are not alone and you are loved.

I invite you to watch this – my first thought of suicide and how the call to Distress Centre 403.266.HELP (4357) put me on the path of saving my life.

 

 

Hugs & Love

 

 

 

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Determination to Live, Love & Design: A true story of Courage & Commitment

December 5, 2011 By Lee Leave a Comment

In 1994 when I first moved to Canada, I started a job with the oil company my hubby worked for.  I had been blessed and fortunate to be welcomed by my husbands family and friends.  At this job I met a fun-loving, big hearted, wonderful woman who became one of my first friends in Canada.  After she moved to Ontario we lost contact for a while, and fortunately a couple of years ago Carrie came back into my life thanks to Facebook.  Carrie has recently moved back to Calgary, I am touched by her commitment to do whatever it takes to change her life circumstances, and asked her to share her story.  This is a story of a BRAVE woman who is taking back control of her life to live,  love and design her life through sacrifice, hard work, determination and courage.

 

I will share my motivation for my life choices and what inspires me to move forward.  After a time of financial struggle and difficulty as a single mother of two teenage boys, and wanting to continue to be self supporting and successful in a meaningful life, I have made difficult decisions to maintain independance and personal success when the only other option was failure.  To me failure would have been giving up and declaring bankruptcy, losing much of what I have worked hard to maintain independantly for over six years.  When faced with the ongoing struggle and failure including a leaking roof of my home and necessary vehicle maintenance on top of other great expenses, failure was all that I could see coming my way, which it is definitely is NOT an option I will consider. It was time to make changes!  All things must change in order for growth.  With the changes necessary to rise above my downward spiral of financial ruin, it seemed that some sacrifices would need to be considered for chance of a better future.  My greatest sacrifice has been leaving my children.  Also leaving my home, my family and close friends behind for the better part of a year, until I can get my boys back with me.  The plan for the future is so that they have better opportunities in life in a thriving city, with more financial stability at home and hopefully that I have inspired a drive to succeed in them.
The need to succeed and provide a better future for myself and my children has inspired me to relocate, reluctantly, from Ontario to Calgary, Alberta in belief that better opportunities for employment and higher income will provide  financial benefits to my declining situation.  Against my desire to have pride in standing on my own, idependantly, I had to ask for help.  I asked my family for anything that they could do to help me.  I sold my car to have funds on hand while looking for work in Calgary.  My sister donated the purchase of a flight to get to my new city.  A cousin has allowed me to stay in her home while I get back on my feet again in Calgary, as well as several friends that have assisted with other accomodations and the use of a car for a short time.  I am grateful for the donations from my people.

I am pleased to say that with great effort and full time “pounding of the virtual pavement,” that I manifested 17 interviews in four weeks, and after six weeks of being in Calgary I now have full time employment, although a temporary contract, a good foot in the door back into the Oil Industry.  This may turn into a permanent position, but if not, I have another exciting opportunity that I am being considered for in the new year.  In addition to the full time position, I have managed to juggle two part time jobs to make ends meet and get back on track.  So currently, I am working days, evenings, and weekends.  Although it is very busy, it is what I need to do.

I get down and very lonely at times and missing my boys is a great source of emotional pain.  However, if I keep working, the plan will come into fruition and I believe that my efforts will be worth the sacrifices.  Some say that I am strong, it doesn’t seem that way to me.  I just know that I am determined and have to try.  The sooner my new life plan works, the sooner I can be a full time Mom again and that is what motivates me.

Happy Monday, may you be inspired to take control of your life and do what it takes to make positive change.

Hugs & Love

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Youth are hungry for people who care.

November 19, 2011 By Lee Leave a Comment

Further to this morning’s Daily Inspiration post, today I had the honor and pleasure to speak at the Blue Friday Conference.

The Blue Friday Conference brought together 1000 youth to develop awareness about the impacts and effects of bullying and harassment.  These youth unite to create change and to learn strategies to help eliminate bullying and harassment completely.  Organized by Peer Mediation and Skills Training (PMAST) this amazing day gave youth the opportunity to be educated, to be heard, and to know that people care.

I chose this picture as there were many faces that I saw today that looked like this.  Common answers I received when I asked the kids to share how they were REALLY feeling were: bored, tired, sad, hungry.  A common answer we all use, when we are asked “How are you” is – Good!  When “good” is far from the truth.  These kids are hungry for love, for attention, for acceptance and to know they are not alone and that they are loved.

In each of the three classes I spoke to today I posed many questions, my favorite response was a response to this question:  Who could you Speak UP and ask for help from? 80% of this class identified their teacher as someone they could ask for help from.  As I observed and listened, I could see a loving, kind and respectful bond and relationship between this class and their teacher.  It was obvious that he cares wholeheartedly and he is a positive presence in their lives.  This class fully participated, engaged and at the end there were lots of hugs, group hugs and love happening.  It truly was beautiful.  These are 11, 12 & 13 year old kids.  All they want is to have a positive role model to look up to, feel accepted and feel that people care.

As I watched one “famous” speaker with kids surrounding him asking for autographs, I stood and watched the smiles, delight and inspiration these kids felt.  To my absolute surprise and humble gratitude some of the kids from the class I spoke about above asked me for my autograph!
“Are you kidding me?  REALLY, you want my autograph, I have only signed one autograph before, you guys & gals have touched my heart right now – thank YOU.” I said to about nine students that were surrounding me.

“It was you that taught us to be grateful and to ask for what we want.” said one boy.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and in that moment I said “Thank YOU”, and we had loving, playful and wonderful group hugs.  No standing ovation, accolades, recognition or awards can compare to how that moment felt – pure joy!

As adults we need to model healthy behaviors, model that all emotions are healthy – while encouraging and empowering our kids to respond to perceived “negative” emotions, such as anger, frustration, jealousy in a healthy way.

Lack of RELATIONSHIP is a root cause of bullying, suicide, depression, feelings of isolation and desperation.  We need more POSITIVE role models taking ACTION, connecting, building real relationships and showing up, so our youth know without a doubt that they are loved, and they are not alone.

I just finished a phone call with one of the fellow speakers and my dear friend Melanie Hayden-Sparks, we discussed how hungry these kids are to know that people care, treat them as responsible young adults vs offenders, bad kids, and useless.  All they want is to feel that they matter.  As adults we MUST do this, for ourselves and for our children.

Thank you to Ernest Morrow Junior High School, PMAST, Calgary Board of Education, Mayor Nenshi for proclaiming November 13-19, 2011 Bullying Awareness Week, all the amazing speakers today and the brave students who all chose to:

For resources and tools, please click  HERE for some great videos, books, web pages, crisis lines that help Stand UP To Bullying.

Hugs & Love

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When you want to give up – keep going

November 17, 2011 By Lee 1 Comment


It’s it in the moments where everything seems hopeless, when the world feels like it’s against you, when you feel noone is listening that you want to give up.

Yet in these times, whether it’s the isolation of a mental illness, being bullied at school or at work (bullying happens to all ages), your job isn’t going the way you want it to, the kids are testing your patience – listen for the lessons.

There is always a lesson in those challenging times.  You may not see it right now, in time you will.

Hold on to hope
Stand UP for yourself.
Speak UP and ask for help.
Show UP with kindness, love and gratitude.

Have a wonderful Thursday.

Hugs & Love

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Advocacy for Mental Illness must and will continue

November 13, 2011 By Lee Leave a Comment

Although our 2011 Going Blue 4 U campaign has come to a close, the work of mental illness awareness and suicide prevention will continue, it MUST!

Our team is compiling their cash/cheque donations and we hope to have a final fundraising amount by the end of this week.  Online donations to date are $6,203.30 and will continue to remain open, as there are a few people who have indicated they wish to donate at the end of November.  For your tax deductible receipt Donate HERE and choose the charity you wish to support..

Our entire team has worked tirelessly at raising funds, and creating awareness.  All, sharing countless stories of how people are opening up and talking.  Way to Go team.

Thank you to our amazing sponsors for your generosity, kindness and willingness to support Mental illness awareness:
Media Eye Studios
DevaDave
RAD Printing

 

As I reflect on the speed and spontaneity at which GB4U took place, and the positive impact it has on mental illness awareness I am filled with gratitude.  Gratitude for a a small yet mighty team from Victoria BC to Halifax NS, who came together, a small yet mighty team who created conversations, a small yet mighty team who put themselves out there in the media – ALL for mental illness awareness in Canada – which is desperately needed.

Thank YOU and congrats to our GB4U Victoria, BC  Coordinator Laurel Hounslow who will be continuing her own awareness campaign to Banish the Blues over the holiday season.

The “blue hair” idea originated from Cristi Comes who inspired a group of bloggers #BlueBloggers to raise awareness and funds for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and it quickly caught on.  Cristi writes the amazing blog Motherhood Unadorned, she is an inspiration to me with her advocacy work and blogging – thank YOU Cristi.  Funnily enough, I had been observing the success of her campaign and wondering how we could do something similar in Canada when I received the tweet on September 26, 2011 that set the wheels in motion for Going Blue 4 U.  Perfectly timed this twitter conversation with Laurel Hounslow and myself was as I was stuck with what to do with Mental Illness Awareness Week.

My personal fundraising goal was $4,000 to date my wonderful friends helped raise $3,848 for Distress Centre and supported me dyeing streaks of my hair blue for GB4U.

June this year I held my 2nd Annual Lee’s Birthday Wish Campaign which raised $3,940 for Distress Centre.  The BIG reason why the GB4U goal was $40,000 was my own personal desire to raise this amount for my 40th Birthday for Distress Centre.  Unfortunately, this high amount put some stress on team members which I am sorry for.  It really isn’t about the $$$, it’s about the advocacy, the awareness, the inspiration and the positive light in which people are talking about mental illness.

 

When we come together and talk, advocate, share and inspire lives can & will be saved.  People who are in darkness, feeling alone and desperate will have a glimmer of hope.  According to Mood Disorders Society of Canada (one of our amazing fundraising recipients) Mental illness is a serious disturbance in thoughts, feelings and perceptions that is severe enough to affect day-to-day functioning. Some names for mental illness include:

  • Schizophrenia – seeing, smelling or hearing things that aren’t there – or holding firm beliefs that make no sense to anyone else but you.
  • Depression – intense feelings of sadness and worthlessness – so bad that you have lost interest in life.
  • Bi-polar disorder – cycles of feeling intensely happy and invincible followed by depression.
  • Anxiety disorders – panic attacks, phobias, obsessions or post traumatic stress disorder.
  • Eating disorders – anorexia (not eating), or bulimia (eating too much and then vomiting).
  • Borderline personality disorder – severe difficulty with relationships, placing yourself in danger, making decisions that turn out to be very bad for you – most often as a result of a history of child abuse, abandonment or neglect.

 

Moving forward, Going Blue 4 U will relaunch an annual campaign under the I Am Brave (website almost complete) umbrella in 2012.  We have a team of dedicated individuals working at creating a planned, well-organized and thought through campaign.  In saying that, advocacy will NOT end it is a daily effort that everyone needs to be a part of to reduce the stigma, create awareness for mental illness and for suicide prevention.

YOU are not alone.  YOU are loved.

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