She came to me in tears, the kind of tears that break my heart.  I can sense and feel when she is in emotional pain, although I know I need to allow her to experience it with safety and love.  As I laid in bed with my nine year old daughter, through her tears she asked me a question.

“Mom, is it okay to be different?”

My heart skipped a beat.  My precious free spirit, is beginning to experience individuality, differences, judgements and doubt.  So young.  I accept though, that this is part of the journey of growing up, it still does not make it any easier to be witness to.

My daughter with "Bunny" when she was about 1, and Bunny now

“Yes sweetie it is, you are unique in your own beautiful way. Why do you think you are different?”  I replied.

“Because I sniff a stuffy, I believe my stuffies are alive, and I believe in magic. No one else does.” She replied, almost distraught.

I shared this conversation on my personal facebook page, nothing could have prepared me for the outpouring of love.  Together my daughter and I read the posts, songs shared and talked about how many people feel the same way.  She was shocked.

“Mom, soooo many people believe in magic, and have stuffies!”  she said, brimming with awe.

Last night as a family we sat on our bed, first with Neil and my older daughter.  We talked about how we have judged her, at times condoning her desire and need to sniff her bunny, and take him everywhere.  I myself, have encouraged her – at times without consideration to her feelings – to let him go.  Yet now, I see through her eyes, and truly understand the special bond between her and bunny.  And then she came in with the picture of her and bunny when she was about one year old.

When she was seven months old, my sister gifted bunny to her.  Had I known what the future would hold, I would have bought a ‘back up bunny.’  Bunny has been her constant companion, her friend for almost all her life.  We have gone through many changes, and my free spirit is not one to embrace change.  Bunny has been her constant.  Yes, his physical appearance has changed somewhat – well ALOT.  My mum, mother-in-law, sister and I, have conducted many a surgery to prolong bunnies life.  Yet still, battered, torn and falling apart – he is loved exactly the same.  Hmmm isn’t that a wonderful reflection on life.

I could go on forever about bunny, and the special bond he and my daughter have.  I want to finish with this.

Believe in the uniqueness of you, there is no one in this universe like you. You are sooooo beautiful Never allow anyone to change who you are. Believe in you, believe in your dreams, and believe in the magic you see, feel, touch, taste and hear.

A fitting message, inscribed by the beautiful Leanne Power - author of "You are Soooo Beautiful" to one of my daughters friends.

His eyes focused on mine, piercing deep into my soul, one eye a magnificent sky blue, the other a much darker shade.  There was something almost eerie about him, yet mesmerizing.  He walked towards me, I stood still – frozen in time, only present to him and my breath.  I could sense a wariness about him, yet in that wariness was a spirited streak.  His ears pricked straight up, his gait slow – yet precise.  And then, a burst of laughter spooked him – off he ran, tail held high – with his ears pinned back, and his head motioning them to move, he herded his three mares away from the perceived threat.

To be witness to such magnificence was truly a gift.  Several herds of wild horses, lovingly rescued from possible slaughter by a big hearted rancher.  Beautiful countryside they roam – each herd masterfully separated from the other by it’s stallion.

We walked out into the field, something I was quite surprised with “aren’t these wild horses unpredictable, and high strung?” I thought to myself, in turn questioning the experience of the rancher, and trust of our guides.  For a moment, I feared the safety of our nine and ten year old children, including my own.  And then I let go, freed myself to experience this magical moment with all of my spirit.  Not so surprisingly to me, I felt spirited – once I let go.  I could feel the heartbeats of the mares, their wariness of this large group of people heading towards them.

We were fortunate to see a new member of one herd, who took his first breath of air this morning.  Still a little shaky, yet surprisingly spry – he stayed close to his mom, and she protected him with every movement.

I thought of my own willingness to protect my daughters, wanting to shelter them from any danger, pain or hurt.  As I reflected on this, my daughter came to me.  I could feel her fear, sensed her uneasiness.  The look in her eyes told me she was frightened, scared and her words and actions confirmed it.  I held her close and reassured her, I and another adult were always close by.  She seemed content with that answer, and went back to the others watching the mares and their foals – later she even rode one.

This past week has been one filled with wildlife, nature, wonder, beauty, and an amazing 427 page novel I finished in three days Her Will: Her will drives her far and beyond… Ego exposes her to the inevitable truth… She just wants to be set free Magical moments of connection, relaxation and quality time spent with my family. I am so grateful for it all.

Friday June 7 - Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump

Friday June 7 - Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump

Friday June 7 - Moose on Hwy 93

Saturday June 8 - Osprey

Saturday June 8 - Busy Bee in our garden

Saturday June 8 - Begin reading "Her Will" surrounded by our beautiful garden, bathed in the rays of sunshine

Saturday June 8 - Reading 'Her Will' by Floranova B. Msc. by the fire

Sunday June 9 - A beautiful way to begin my birthday - continuing the captivating tale of Avon and 'Her Will'

Sunday June 9 - Red-shafted Northern Flicker Woodpecker Chicks in our beautiful willow tree

Monday June 10 - Lake Windermere and the Rocky Mountains

Monday June 10 - Mountain Goat

Monday June 10 - Two bear cubs in a tree with their Mom looking on below

When I stop, look and listen – magic, beauty and divine spirit is everywhere.

There is a yearning in my soul for stillness, for solitude and peace, the beginning of a blog post I wrote October 10, 2012.  The poem, What My Soul Needs, was a cry, from deep within my soul to embrace simplicity and serenity.

As I sat on the edge of the coulee in Lethbridge yesterday, I reflected on the whispers – the whispers of my soul, and the whispers of all the beauty going on around me.

Walking through the long grass I could feel the tickles on my legs, the sounds of the drier grasses crunching under my feet, and the sounds of birds, crickets, and a distant hum of vehicles on Whoop-Up Drive.

I am always brought back, to a scene in The Peaceful Warrior (the movie based on Dan Millman’s amazing book Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives) where Socrates holds Dan’s head, and Dan suddenly sees that even though he thought nothing was going on, indeed there was.

There was so much going on as I sat.  Open and present to the beauty around me, I sat, breathing in the present moment, letting go of any mind clutter.

The gentle whispers of the wind, blowing through the tall grasses – evoked such peace within me.  They also reminded me of the gentle whispers of my soul – where serenity lies.  The sounds of families riding their bikes together along the trail – brought a smile to my face.  Dogs running off leash, playing in the long grasses, chasing the butterflies – a little pang of guilt hit, as I wished we had brought on our dog – Riggs.  I could see, feel, hear, smell, and touch, all that was going on around me – I was fully present.

At first, I started scanning with my lens for the `perfect` wild flowers, ones that didn`t have petals missing.  I would pick away grasses that got in the way for the `perfect`shot.   I wished that there were blue skies, so that there would be a `perfect`backdrop and contrast for the bridge.  And then I realized, everything is perfect.

A perfect opportunity to listen to the gentle whispers of my soul, to connect with peace, calm and serenity.  An opportunity to be still, wrapped in the loving arms of nature, and gratitude for my own company.

The bitter anger surfaced at 11.08pm on Sunday night.  As I lie in bed catching up on what my friends were up to on Facebook, a notification popped up on a post I was following.  The comment, I perceived as a manipulative stab and sarcastic remark targeted at one of my best friends.  Every single cell in my body stood up, on edge, fuelled with anger.  I was so tempted to write a reply that would have been – let’s just say, not so pretty.  Instead I took a breath, and replied in a way that I believe appropriately stood up for my friend. The reply to my reply fuelled me even more.  This stimulus (event) triggered pain from a series of other events that have been going on for me recently. Anger that I have been holding in.  Anger that kept me awake till 3.00am.

As I shared this story with my wonderful healer Fawna Bews this morning, with her hands gently resting underneath the arch of my back, she listened – allowing me to share what was going on for me.  Fawna gave me a safe space to release and reflect.  I expressed my inner-conflict of right and wrong. “What this person did to my friend was wrong.  But…there is no right and wrong!  Right?  I am doubting that.”  I said to Fawna.

 
And then it came to me. . .

 
“Annette Stanwick’s brother was murdered, her journey of forgiving the murderers is captured in her amazing book “Forgiveness: The Mystery and Miracle.”  The murderers were clearly wrong in what they did.  Yet, if they hadn’t taken Soren’s life, Annette and her husband Clay would not be sharing messages across the world about forgiveness, and impacting thousands of lives.” I shared with Fawna.

Annette chose to rise above the pain, and do something good with it.

In the event I faced on Sunday night, my friend – although done wrong by, is more passionate and motivated than I have ever seen. Maybe the manipulator/aggressor has given her the most powerful gift ever.   Fawna was called to share something.  She eagerly found a piece of paper and “writing instrument” (she actually said that, I thought it was so cute).   A familiar triangle appeared before me – the Karpman’s Triangle and I saw almost immediately how I played the rescuer in this situation, yet thankfully I stepped off the triangle by choosing not to respond to the second comment.  Fawna, so wisely shared what came to her, and has helped her choose a more loving approach.

“I see the creator love safety triangle stays separate a brief moment and then comes together as a point where you are all three simultaneously – without victim and aggressor- we are safe.” Fawna later explained to me.

“When you talked about aggressor/safety – how do you see that individual as safety?” I asked in a later message.
” Aggressor assumes there is a you and I – safety implies an us.” she replied.

Profound, and a lot more reflection for me to fully comprehend this wisdom.

Guilt was the next emotion to face.  I had received a message from a friend, asking to lessen our planned time together due to something that came up, something that has regularly occurred with this person whenever we’ve planned a date together.  As I read the message, I felt hurt and frustrated.  An old belief arose that I wasn’t good enough, a quote about being someone’s option came to mind.  As I separated myself from the person, realizing that these emotions weren’t about her, another emotion arose – guilt.  My own guilt of having done the same thing to Sandra, time and time again.  Sorry Sandra, I’ve really got to get this done.  Sorry Sandra, I’m too busy right now. Sorry Sandra, I’ve got a lot going on. All the excuses I made over and over again to her, excuses that I deeply regretted as I sat by her bedside as she was dying of cancer.  As I shared this with Fawna, I blurted out “forgiveness”.  As I said this, I saw Sandra.  She stood beside me, holding my hand gently – as I had during her four month journey with cancer.  A cheeky smile spread across her face, yet there was also a seriousness.

“Lee, will you let it go already, you were the most loyal and loving friend I had!” Sandra said – gentle and playful, yet firm.

As this message came through, Fawna spoke.  ”Lee, there is nothing to forgive – you did nothing wrong.”  Sandra nodded and smiled.

Fawna brought to light another one of her brilliant writings.  One she has shared with me on numerous occasions.  In this situation many perceptions arose for me: everyone is too busy, I’m not worthy of someone’s time, I’m not important – is this how Sandra felt?  The feelings that arose were hurt, frustration, anger and guilt.  The thoughts that arose were all over the place, mainly I kept going to – is this how Sandra felt?  The beliefs – that I’m not good enough, I’m an option, I failed my dearest friend.  Through all of this, at the core, I chose love – letting go of the blame and shame, and viewing this as a gift.

In some conversations back and forth, Fawna shared this with me “An unconscious desire for separation leads to anger and guilt, a conscious choice for wholeness leads to love and acceptance. I want to say though that it is great for anger and guilt to surface because it brings the unconscious to the surface- and you can choose again.”

In this moment I am grateful for it all: anger, guilt, love, acceptance – all of it.
I am most grateful to Fawna, and everyone who played a part in this healing.  I am also proud of myself for choosing love and acceptance to feel whole and connected.

I could more than likely count on one hand how many times I’ve seen a photo of myself and thought “wow, I look beautiful.”  When I saw this photo my husband captured, it took my breath away.  I could feel my own happiness and wonder, from the magical moment with my nine year old daughter.  I looked into my own eyes and I saw  joy. What was it about this moment, that filled my soul so deeply?

It was a simple moment – the four of us, sitting around our fire pit.  The sun streaming down, surrounded by our beautiful garden, and present to each other.  My nine year old daughter asked me to roast one of my “perfect marshmallows” for her.    All we had was us, a fire pit, a roasting stick and marshmallows.  Simple really.  Yet this simplicity is what filled my soul with joy.

I have come to realize my joy comes from being present to what I value – my family, deep & meaningful connection, authenticity, generosity, playfulness and adventure.  All of which I experienced this weekend.

The weekend began with us seeing a grizzly bear on highway 93, just outside of Radium.  To see this powerful creature was awe inspiring, yet also frightening as we watched people stupidly standing a long way from their vehicles.  As we drove into Radium, we were greeted with a spectacular sunset – welcoming us into the beautiful Columbia Valley.

A rainy day didn’t stop our joy: painting, sculpting, colouring mandalas, and some not-so-fun projects – homework.  A delicious meal was followed by a beautiful evening stroll to the lake – we giggled, goofed around, talked and took in the beautiful surroundings. Oh how simple it can be, to experience joy.  Enjoying time with my family, I finally see that there is no ‘need’ for anything else.

In a world where our society is driven to do, do, do… to be more, more, more… isn’t it a breath of fresh air to simply be.  I know for me, this has been the lesson I’ve come to accept this past while.  To be content with being, and simply being myself,  a mom and wife.