A fog has enveloped my soul, a mist of weariness, grief and letting go. Waking to the fog covering the city of Calgary this morning, was a reflection of how I have felt for the past ten days. It wasn’t until yesterday that I fully allowed these emotions to transpire into release, and acceptance.
I didn’t feel like writing, no desire to do anything other than try and find some peace in solitude. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. Here I go again, with shoulding on myself. So Days 22-25 of my 100 day challenge are encompassed in this post – not feeling like creating the little image I usually do, who says I must do that anyway.
I found myself grieving. Not so long ago my life was full of events, networking, coaching, advocating and connecting. Always around people, be it in person or online via Facebook and Twitter. A world that I was engulfed in like a fog, where I felt a sense of importance, purpose and feeling that I was making a difference. As I have allowed this fog to lift and step into a world that is foreign to me, I feel a sense of loss. The foreign world is staying close to home, taking care of me – which is not my strongest suit, focusing on being a Mom, and spending less time online. The loss and weeping is for that which has been my delight for many years. On Sunday evening we spent some time with cherished friends around a camp fire, a spontaneous evening of good company and good food. As I sat with my girlfriend I asked her “Do you ever feel like you have given up your dreams to be a Mom?” Tears welled in her eyes and in that moment I knew, she gets me, and that I was not alone.
On Tuesday I spent a beautiful day with Susanne and Shelley at Vitality Crystals and Fountains. Even with this I felt guilt that I should be doing something else. Preparing to create my water fountain I found myself drawn to fluorite and calcite, two gemstones that I have rarely given a second glance to. The healing properties of these were exactly what I needed:
Fluorite – Is known to help find truth that has been hidden. It brings strength and protection while dealing with change and transition.
Calcite – Assists in the challenges associated with change. Orange calcite (which I was particularly drawn to), can bring relief from emotional fear and can be used in cases of mental breakdown, depression, or suicidal feelings.
On the drive to and from Bowden I shared my feelings with Sus, she did what she always does, looks for signs and deeper meaning in nature and all that surrounds us. She read to me my 2 Year Numerology Cycle, and as I listened I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, as it all was so true. It was grounded even further as last night, I had the pleasure of witnessing my friend Vikki MacKinnon celebrate the launch of her book Please Take A Number at Self Connection Books. Vikki gave everyone the gift of discovering their personal year, as she shared the 2 Year, I glanced over at Susanne, both of us giggling at the synchronicity of the messages screaming at me, that I am slowly but surely listening to and acting on:
Proactive Choices for Your 2 Personal Year (as shared in Please Take A Number)
Spend quality time with your significant other.
Resolve any existing conflict and strengthen your relationships, just as the spider strengthens and repairs each strand in her web.
Seek balance in all areas of your life, including physical activity and rest, work and play, time with others and time alone.
Establish personal boundaries, learn to say no, and do not become a doormat.
Interesting that this is unfolding in my life, and these are a mirror of the steps I am actually taking. It’s okay to weep for that which brought me delight, for the loss of something that played a big role in my life. In A Quiet Strong Voice I shared the anger, loss and resentment I felt after leaving my job in 2004. It was Susanne who pointed this out to me and reminded me to allow myself time and space to grieve, to give myself permission to just go with the flow each day in a loving, gentle and playful way.