There is a yearning in my soul for stillness, for solitude and peace. A desire for the inner conflict to cease. I long to be a voice for mental illness awareness, to give others hope in times of darkness. Yet, the darkness in me keeps surfacing and refuses to be still.
I couldn’t sleep tonight, it’s now 2.15am and my heart is pounding, anxiety is keeping me awake, and I am finding myself questioning everything. Today, two separate messages of young ones whose lives were cut short due to suicide, has pulled at my heartstrings. As I coached my daughters grade 7 volleyball team this afternoon, I looked into the eyes of the young girls playing. At times I looked deeper, wondering if they are okay, is there a hidden demon that is tormenting their souls? Hoping and praying they have a loving support system to help them through troubling times.
I lie in bed tonight, my mind busy with shoulds, what ifs and maybes. Guilt surfacing, knowing that I can make a difference in the lives of troubled youth today, yet torn with the decision to step back and focus on myself and family. Am I being selfish, to focus on me, being fully present as a mom, wife and friend, when there are so many dying, so many in darkness and isolation?
I came down to write, in the hopes of releasing some of my anguish. Hoping to find peace and some quietening of my mind. Do I have the answers? No. What I have in this moment right now is some release. With anything in life, to help others, first I must nurture, nourish, plant and water the seeds of self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance. This is what my soul needs.