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What My Soul Needs

October 10, 2012 By Lee 18 Comments

 

There is a yearning in my soul for stillness, for solitude and peace.  A desire for the inner conflict to cease.  I long to be a voice for mental illness awareness, to give others hope in times of darkness.  Yet, the darkness in me keeps surfacing and refuses to be still.

 

I couldn’t sleep tonight, it’s now 2.15am and my heart is pounding, anxiety is keeping me awake, and I am finding myself questioning everything.  Today, two separate messages of young ones whose lives were cut short due to suicide, has pulled at my heartstrings.  As I coached my daughters grade 7 volleyball team this afternoon, I looked into the eyes of the young girls playing.  At times I looked deeper, wondering if they are okay, is there a hidden demon that is tormenting their souls?  Hoping and praying they have a loving support system to help them through troubling times.

 

I lie in bed tonight, my mind busy with shoulds, what ifs and maybes.  Guilt surfacing, knowing that I can make a difference in the lives of troubled youth today, yet torn with the decision to step back and focus on myself and family.  Am I being selfish, to focus on me, being fully present as a mom, wife and friend, when there are so many dying, so many in darkness and isolation?

 

I came down to write, in the hopes of releasing some of my anguish.  Hoping to find peace and some quietening of my mind.  Do I have the answers?  No.  What I have in this moment right now is some release.  With anything in life, to help others, first I must nurture, nourish, plant and water the seeds of self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance.  This is what my soul needs.

 

If you are in crisis please visit www.Befrienders.org for 24 hour Crisis Line listings across the world.
Click HERE for Mental Health Resources.
Click here for free tools and resources.

 

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Filed Under: Lee's Blog, Purposeful Life Lessons
  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    :D

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    One day at a time, one baby step, one choice to honor self in this present moment. Thanks for sharing Sheri xox

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    Thanks Sus for being a big part of that. Love ya xox

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    mwah xox

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    Ah yes, time to thank myself hmm – working on that.
    Thank you so much for your support and honesty Sandy, I truly appreciate it. xoxox

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    You got that right Dad, working on that. Beautiful words. Thank you. Love you all and miss you. xoxox

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    As always beautiful words Kim, I so appreciate you.
    Thank you. xoxo

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    Working on it Brenda, thanks for the beautiful words. Miss you guys xox

  • http://www.simpleeserene.com/ Lee Horbachewski

    Thank You Jodi – so true xox

  • http://www.healnowandforever.net/ Jodi Lobozzo Aman

    Beautiful, we heal ourself, and heal the world.

  • Brenda Samis

    Never doubt the true gift you are to all whom have met you!!! Push that self doubt away and believe in the true passion and strength you have to offer……..you are an awesome wife and mom!!! BELIEVE in Lee!!!

  • Kim Berube

    The funny thing is: you already ARE a voice, advocate and representative of mental health. The very thing you want is what you already are. So many have found unconditional love, support and understanding in you. I believe that there are double more whom you will never know how you’ve positively impacted. I believe you’re doing it PERFECTLY right now – by being the voice and living by example. Teach wellness by being wellness. That means you’re number one, so you can love and provide for your family – then everyone else can be loved in your best way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jimandchristuckwell JimandChris Tuckwell

    Lea, you need to detach yourself from all that is going on around you and work on your own health. You need to remember that you can’t help anybody if you are not around to do so. You cannot be a rescuer if you are trapped and become a rescuee.
    Nobody will think any less of you for looking after your own wellbeing, work on being in a better place and the rest will follow in time.
    All my love, Dad

  • Sandy

    One of the first rules of first aid is that you cannot help anyone by making yourself a casualty. Here is something else for your mind to ponder. Go to the library and pick up a book called Social Business by Muhammad Yunus. Perhaps this is the path for your passion. You are a powerful and authentic person. Your experiences are your gift. You are a champion and I have no doubt that your efforts have already created a more peaceful existence for people you will never know. I hear continued frustration in your posts. It is time to thank yourself, enjoy what you have now and gently envision your path forward. We are all still learning :) With admiration, Sandy

  • Cathy G.

    You are doing the right thing Lee. Give yourself permission and then let go of the expectations. I love your poem.

  • Susanne Heaton

    Lee, I love your poem and I love the fact that you are putting self-care first. Big hugs, xoxo

  • Sheri R.

    I too am finding myself in this position… how do I nurture myself while everyone in my world is pulling at me to attend to their matters? It is truly an exhausting feeling… and difficult for me to constantly feel like I have to chose….

  • Karen Larkin

    <3

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